EXPLORING RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY: THE JOURNEY TO SELF LOVE AND EMPOWERMENT w TRIINU (RERELEASE)

Could the key to self-love and personal growth lie in the concept of radical responsibility? Join us for a compelling conversation with our special guest, Trii a woman's transformation mentor who is no stranger to the spiralling descent of self-destruction, abandonment, and low self-esteem. Trii's tale of transformation is one of inspiring resilience; she demonstrates the profound effect of rewiring your subconscious mind, leading you on a path towards self-love, self-confidence, and personal power.

Together, we dive deep into the depths of the healing process, examining the damaging cycle of self-harm that stems from an inability to forgive oneself and others. Through our discussion, we arm you with valuable tools and strategies to shift your mindset and seize control of your life. We highlight the necessity of recognising and vocalising your triggers, fostering a better understanding of self-healing.

We delve into the profound influence of childhood programming on our adult lives and how identifying these patterns can lead to self-empowerment. Trii sheds light on the liberating experience of self-compassion and the conscious decision to take responsibility for your life. Let us guide you on a journey of self-discovery as we explore the interplay of subconscious mind, inner healing, and the path to self-love and compassion. Don't miss out on the chance to transform your life. Welcome to a world of healing, empowerment, and radical responsibility.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:37

Hello, welcome to Empower Thyself podcast. I'm your host, hannah Garner, your intuitive, prosperity and mindset mentor, and I am so honored that you are here. I am obsessed with helping people to tap into their unique brilliance, build inner trust and supporting you to evolve and build a peaceful, joyful and prosperous life. The intention of this podcast is to bring you a varied number of topics, wisdom, knowledge and insights that are going to spike your curiosity and actually provide you with practical and tangible tools that can change your life, so that you can go away, you can try things on for size and see what resonates and if it would work for you in the day to day. The weekly episodes are here to empower you and help you build that inner trust muscle and, ultimately, you know you best, you know what you need, and so I always want you to remember that when listening to these episodes, whilst also bringing levity and fun to the self development world and topics. Come join me today in this week's episode and let's have so much fun.

Speaker 1: 2:50

Hello and welcome back to empower thyself podcast with me, your host, hannah Garner. So today we are diving into radical responsibility and the self love that comes with being radically responsible. This is something I think is very hard but also very key to unlocking your growth, because without it, changes going to be so, so hard. After talking to my guests and hearing her journey and how she became radically responsible for her life, which resulted in the most amazing transformations, I really wanted to dive in with her on this topic. So my guest today is tree, and she is a woman's transformation mentor whose clients suffer from low self esteem, people pleasing obsessive thoughts, and she teaches them to how they can rewire their subconscious mind and take radical responsibility, and she shows them how to become their own best self healers, feel confident, love themselves and step into their power. She certified an NLP, time technique practitioner, eft and a life and success coach. So thank you so much for joining me today, tree. I'm so excited to dive in.

Speaker 2: 3:53

Thank you so much for having me. I'm very, very excited to be having this conversation with you.

Speaker 1: 3:58

Yeah, so I think what we need to do is start with your journey, because I've obviously mentioned it in the intro because when you spoke to me before this episode and shared about your journey, it really blew me away Not only how vulnerable you were, but also how far you've come as a person, using lots of different techniques. So tell me more about your journey and what that looks like to get you where you are now.

Speaker 2: 4:21

Yes, of course. So I am very open about my journey. If you have any questions in the middle, just ask them, because I'm really really open. It has taken me a long time to be open with that journey and now I just I share it with pride because I've kind of come out on the other side.

Speaker 2: 4:41

But well, to start with, I was born into a family that, firstly, was really really poor, but also my mum and my dad separated when I was two years old, and that obviously happens to a lot of families. However, when I was four years old, my mum decided to go to study in another country and not take me with her, and that really affected me when I was really young. I didn't understand until later in life how it actually dictated everything in my life, but I just remember when I was four years old and she left for two years. She left me with my grandmother and, yeah, it's something that you know. When it happens, you kind of don't understand what is happening and now, knowing about the subconscious mind, knowing the ins and outs of it now much better, I see how it dictated everything in my life. So I grew up with a very, very big abandonment wound and although when she did come back. She did come back after two years. She had her own wounding very strongly as well. I don't think she had a lot of like. Her self-esteem was low and unfortunately she was taking it out on me for a lot of like, a lot of time. So not only was I left for two years when I was four, when she came back, it kind of even got worse from there. Let's just say that. So all the people that you mentioned that are now my clients, that used to be my past self.

Speaker 2: 6:29

So I grew up. I was people pleasing. I had extremely low self-esteem. I had really bad, anxious thoughts. I was spiraling all the time, obsessed with how people saw me because I didn't like myself. So obviously I kind of tried to almost kind of this whole that I had inside of me where internal validation should be. I just tried to just put everything else right. And I grew up and I was just. I had mental health struggles, a lot of mental health struggles, depression, anxiety, panic attacks as well, and I always kind of thought this is the life for me, this is just how I'm supposed to live, this is just the way it is for me, until everything turned around when COVID hit, but this is kind of where it all started, yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:29

Amazing. And so you were at a very low point in your life, and from the conversations we've had before, I know that that was something that was really difficult for you. And so what was it when you first, because I'm sure there's people listening who have been through similar things. There are people who maybe haven't been through quite as much as you have, but still in those dark, horrible places with themselves not loving themselves, feeling really depressed, feeling really anxious, seeking that external validation, and they are at rock bottom, and as were you. So when you got to that rock bottom, what was the switch that flicked on that made you go from being there to being where you are now? Like what was that defining moment?

Speaker 2: 8:17

That's a really great question and what you said there as well, that maybe someone who's listening like they think, oh, my story isn't so bad, or but what we go through is very personal to us. So I don't want anyone thinking like listening and thinking, oh, you know, mine isn't so extreme. So, because we have a like a tendency to gaslight ourselves a little bit, especially with the society that we are now, that only recognizes extreme neglect or extreme abandonment, extreme kind of abuse, right. So, to be honest, the people that I am my clients, are actually the ones that didn't go through those extreme, extreme, extreme things, but they still feel like this low self-esteem and really bad kind of thoughts about themselves and thoughts about life and what they're capable of, right. So I just wanted to point that out as well, because that's something that you and I talked about as well and there's just a lot of can be a lot of gaslighting going on that we like, in the nicest way possible, we do to ourselves. We don't mean to do it to ourselves, but it's the oh my God, their story is so bad and mine isn't so bad. So, actually, you know, so, if you're listening and you're feeling this way, please, please don't like go into that comparisonitis and think, oh, just because she went through it, so she has the right to feel this way. Anything that you feel you have the right to feel, that right. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:50

But where I was? So, hannah, I was on my couch and I had just got made redundant because COVID hit. I just got made redundant. I was at my lowest of the low because the belief that I am not enough, yet again was manifesting in my life that I'm not enough, right. So I'm on my couch. I think there's like just picture this. Like I think I had like three day old, like vegan chocolate cake on my clothes, like haven't showered, feeling sorry for myself, you know, just full on victim mode, right. And I'm scrolling through Facebook as you do, to numb the pain. And there I see this ad, like, oh, get a, like an NLP certification for seven pounds. And I'm like, cool, don't know what NLP is, sounds like it's something that could help me. The people on the picture they look nice, they're holding hands, they feel happy. Like worse comes to worse, I lose seven pounds of my money and, best case scenario, I'll go and have a shower, right. So seven pounds that I technically didn't have. I was like, whatever I like, I stopped caring at this point. I was just so low. So I got this NLP certification sorry, the certification course onto my email and I started going through it and I love that NLP or something.

Speaker 2: 11:33

So NLP is neuro linguistic programming and it talked a lot about how the mind works and I was like this is brilliant. I've always thought, I've always felt very intriguing how the mind works, how come this person is triggered and that person is not when I say the same thing. It's just very, very intriguing for me, right? So I go through it and I find it really interesting and I get to this module about the formula of success and I was like great, let's get successful. And it gives me this equation of C is greater than E, c standing for cause and E meaning effect. And it basically said the module was how to be successful, we need to take 100% responsibility of where we are in life Not 99.99999, but 100. And it hit me like a ton of bricks Because I looked at my life.

Speaker 2: 12:46

I looked at where I was, you know, having made being redundant. I was blaming COVID, right, because it obviously, you know, I got made redundant because of COVID. But I looked at it and was, like, was it COVID or was it me just like trusting another company to just keep me? Maybe it was COVID. Maybe, like, in a couple of months it would have been something else. Right, it was. And I started looking. And I started looking at my healing process because I had been pointing fingers towards my parents, to towards my grandparents you know all the things that they did wrong and I looked at myself and where I was in life and actually realized that everything that they did I did to myself now, and that day I just cried for hours and hours, and hours and I understood that no one's coming. No one. No one is coming to save me. It's not going to be a Hollywood moment where I see a billionaire and they give me a job opportunity and then, you know, whatever right. And that was the day that I forgave my parents. That was the day I called my mum and I said my mum, I love you. And she was gobsmacked because that was not our relationship. Right, like no, and I took 100% responsibility of where I was in life and started changing things around.

Speaker 2: 14:15

And a lot of people I think hearing this is yeah, a tree like this happened to me and that happened to me, and I'm not saying that what happened to you was your fault. First of all, people get a bit tangled between fault and responsibility because we hear, you know, our auntie Carol saying you know, this responsibility was that salad like it's awful, or something like that during family gathering, right? So we think responsibility equals fault. It does not. Fault is taking away from us, it's disempowering, whereas responsibility is empowering us, right. So our ego can get sometimes a bit like hold on, hold on.

Speaker 2: 15:00

You're saying I'm like it's my fault, it's my responsibility. I know that because I have that with my clients a lot and it is a very hard and can be quite triggering. So if you're triggered right now, I understand I've been there and it's okay. But yeah, I started taking full responsibility of where I was in life and it wasn't like after that, one day, Disney musical burst landed on my shoulders and we sang together. Like it's a hard journey Having to choose that responsibility over and over and over again and sometimes 17 times per day. But this is why I am where I am right now, because of that missing piece that I took responsibility.

Speaker 1: 15:54

Yeah, that's so powerful. And I think that's really important what you mentioned, because it's like when we talk about forgiveness and things like that, forgiveness is not about forgiving somebody's wrongdoings Nobody's saying that things that happen aren't awful and taking away that but it's actually forgiving to allow yourself to stop harming yourself, because you poison yourself by holding on to that stuff. You're literally poisoning yourself. So as a child, you had no choice in a lot of scenarios because you weren't not you personally, but when I say you, I'm talking collectively. As a child, we don't know how to process emotions, we don't understand what's going on. We absorb things, we are around things that we can't control, but there becomes a point in life, like you said, whereby you're only poisoning yourself because you're harming yourself, because you continue that cycle, and by continuing that cycle it's doing more damage than good. So it's almost like, as you say, letting that go. It's not undermining what's happened, but it's doing it to free yourself. And I think that's where so many people get stuck, because they think that by forgiving people they're undermining what's happened to them. That is absolutely not what any of that's about. It's about basically filling your cup back with the good stuff, not the poison. And when I see people going through that and they're like I can't forgive them because they did something awful to me, no, no, no, we're not forgiving them. In that sense, we're doing it for yourself and I think once people grasp that concept, it's really freeing.

Speaker 1: 17:27

But, like you say, then the hard journey starts. But let's choose your hard right, because in your scenario it was continue being anxious, having panic attacks, self-loathing, not loving yourself enough, blaming everybody else. That's really fucking hard as well. Or it's let's do the healing, which is going to be painful, which is going to bring up triggers, which is not going to be smooth sailing, but you're going to feel much better over time and as a person, because you're doing it for yourself. Like, choose your heart, and I imagine that was a really difficult thing to do so when you started that journey. And we talk about radical responsibility in a day, what does that look like for somebody on that healing journey? Like, what responsibility are you having to take on day by day? I'd just be really curious to know.

Speaker 2: 18:22

So that's a really good question and I'm just going to really quickly dip. You said something really well there, hannah, and you said choose your heart. And I sometimes tell my clients, when it comes to healing, like it's almost like you've dislocated your shoulder and a lot of people are like I don't want to go and see a doctor because it's going to be really painful, and I say great, but you can go through your life with a dislocated shoulder, feeling that pain, not being able to lift certain things. Or you could go yes, it's going to be painful, yes, it's going to be more painful than what you've experienced, but then you can start healing. And you're so right about choosing your heart and it's definitely hasn't been easy, but it has been really empowering. And a lot of where people get stuck, I think, when it comes to forgiving, is because we haven't been validated by what we go through. And that's where I bring in the subconscious mind work like, for example, in a child work, because that's about validating what you went through, when we say, yes, but you know they never said this, sorry, yes, but they never said this. This is actually our inner child. And I always say to my clients you know your mom, your dad, whoever you know, hurt you. They could come in arms wide open and say sorry, but at the end of the day it won't change your subconscious because it's already seek in there. So you have to do that work kind of yourself and only you can do that.

Speaker 2: 19:59

Going back to your question, how does it look, taking responsibility, like every day? It actually starts with really little things. Imagine just like boiling spaghetti and you over boil it and rather than going, you know all the swear words, all the rest of it and feeling like you are the victim of that spaghetti boiling over. You could go, you know what. I actually went and I was on my Instagram for like 15 minutes and didn't look at it and go OK, next time I'll know better. And rather than like sinking into that, why these things happen to me, because, like I said, the course versus effect I realized then that I had been living in effect, like living in victim mode. That's the life is happening to me, right?

Speaker 2: 20:56

People are saying this like other people are wrong, feeling disempowered, feeling like you don't have any control, and that can start with something so little as like over boiling your spaghetti, because you feel like, oh my God, this again, like now I need to clean. And then you just get into that self-loathing energy already, whereas if you look at it like oh my God, yeah, ok, I'm going to just put more spaghetti there and I'm maybe like not going to scroll on Instagram and I'm just going to listen to a podcast. While I can stir it and make that decision, you're putting yourself back in the driver's seat and it seems so small Like people are. Like if you're really talking about spaghetti on a podcast right now? Yes, because if you can't do these little things, you're not going to be able to take responsibility of bigger things, like being live and then not having your charger lead or anything, for example, taking even charge of when people say something to you and it triggers you, rather than going there at fault.

Speaker 2: 22:04

You know, and just to be said here, we're not talking about triggers of people that actually want to trigger you, like narcissistic people, for example, that trigger and abuse you. We are talking about just like these triggers that people maybe mean well or don't really know that they are saying, and when we get triggered, rather than pointing the finger towards someone else and saying, how dare they know that this is this da-da-da-da-da to go back and go. Why am I triggered? What is in me that needs healing right now? What is it in me that I need to work on and take it back and take that control back, rather than just pointing fingers towards everyone else?

Speaker 1: 22:52

Yeah, I think that's so important and, to be honest, we all are triggered by things that we sometimes don't even realize and, like I've experienced it particularly in a relationship my current relationship there's things that happen in prior relationships that meant that I was being triggered by things that for the other person was not even important. They didn't even realize that it was a problem, but for me it was. And as soon as I recognized that and then also vocalize it to them and said look, the reason I got mad at that it wasn't you, it was because this has happened to me in the past and actually it's something that I really didn't like and it's important to me. You can then start changing that behavior right and then they also understand so they can be more sympathetic to your healing process.

Speaker 1: 23:35

And it's not easy admitting to yourself that I acted like a dick in this scenario because actually it was nothing to do with them, it was something that hurt my feelings or XYZ.

Speaker 1: 23:47

But once you do that, it just makes life so much easier because all of a sudden well, it doesn't, it doesn't, because all of a sudden you then start seeing how triggered everybody else is and how wounded everybody else is when you start becoming aware of it and your whole mindset shifts, because I used to be very opinionated and if people were being dickish and not very nice and things like that, I'd be like, almost react to it and be like, how dare you?

Speaker 1: 24:13

And then, all of a sudden, now the first thing I think is I wonder what's going on in their life? What if they're having a really terrible day or what you know? And it's such a shift, but also it can be quite overwhelming because you're always like, wow, think mode, think mode. But what I'd love to know is, because that process, that thought process, is hard, and even for me it's been a journey over a long, long time of catching thoughts, learning how to become aware of them, shifting them, reframing them, doing all of those things but particularly when you're in that low, low, low phase where all you've ever known is victim mode, blame mode, self loathing, just all of those negative kind of domino thoughts, how do you start shifting that, even with small things like the pasta, like what are your tools that you can use to start making those changes? Because it's not easy.

Speaker 2: 25:08

No, it's definitely not easy and you have to be very consciously aware of your thought process all the time. We are just run by our subconscious. Our subconscious mind is 95% of like our mind right. So it's about bringing that subconscious to our everyday life and becoming really aware of everything. And if you think about it I can't remember the name of the study, but there was a study and they said that we inherit so many behaviors and everything else from when we are children. So it just happened that I went through that kind of thing when I was a child.

Speaker 2: 25:52

It's good to start thinking about. You know, why am I, let's say, beating myself up right now? Why am I doing this? Who has modelled that to me? And becoming really aware of the first like zero to eight years of your life is one of the things that I would start with and see what happened there, that now you know we kind of modelled in our life. Because Bruce Lipton said really well that you know if you go and purchase an iPod, for example, before it can like turn on and you can listen to music, you actually need to download music onto that. Not that anyone is like listening to iPods now, but that was the interview that I saw, so it might have been a few years ago, but you need to download things onto that. So children are the same. So I obviously learned that I'm not lovable, I'm unworthy, and that's where my victim mode came from.

Speaker 2: 26:50

So it's about going back to those roots, like and really thinking you know, how was my childhood? What was I modelled? Was you know? Maybe my mum was in victim mode as well. Maybe my mum said I should worry all the time and think about what others think of me all the time. It can be just so many different things, and it's about becoming aware of those things so we can first dismantle them, so we can first be like that's not valid. And when we know that that's not valid and that's just our programming, it's easier to reframe them and know well, that's not the truth, is it? Because otherwise we can go like well, maybe it is the truth, but then we can go no, that's not the truth.

Speaker 2: 27:34

So it's about looking where it all started when you were a child, seeing what patterns are now in your everyday life, and it's really about your subconscious and conscious mind working together. I talk a lot about the subconscious mind and I work with the subconscious mind of the clients. But you need to consciously do that work as well and go like, no, that was a pattern, that was my victim mode. Again, it's a good idea to maybe name those parts of yourself.

Speaker 2: 28:06

For example, I've got clients who had like victim Victoria, for example, so they can go, oh, that's victim Victoria, and kind of make that distinguish like from themselves, so they understand that that's that old programming, that's that part of them. And becoming aware of that and really saying, okay, this is what I did now, but next time I'm going to choose something else. And there isn't like a tool technique in my eyes that would be a cookie cutter one, because everyone does it like in their own way. But start from looking at the patterns that came from your childhood, see how they are now in your life and start consciously going no, that's not what I want, that's not how I want my future to be.

Speaker 1: 29:03

Yeah, that is so true and I think that's the key there is as humans, we often take on an identity and identify with things and they then become us, whereas actually, like you say, we can choose not to identify, even like with, when it comes with illness and health and any of those things. By almost identifying with it so strongly, you become it right, whereas when you actually take a moment and say something's happening with my body but that isn't me and I'm choosing to heal and I have this thing that is a part of me right now but that's not me, then you, as you say, you can empower yourself in a totally different way, and it's just, I think it is. It stems down to that awareness and I think when I first started my mindset journey and was kind of going through that shift, the awareness wasn't always there in the moment, it was an afterthought, and I do think that that's okay as well. When you're first starting, you might not be in the mindset to be able to, in the moment, catch your negative thought or catch the victim mode, but then give yourself a few moments, or five minutes or 20 minutes after and then you're like wait, hold on a minute. I reacted like that. Did I need to do that? And even that energy shift of identifying after and then being like, okay, actually I think that was a trigger for me or whatever was what started me down the journey. It wasn't always immediate, but as I slowly started that pattern, it was almost like my brain was like, okay, I see what you're doing here. Then it became quicker and easier to then be in that moment and be like actually, no, this is not them, it's me, or this scenario is something that I need to kind of reframe. So I think that's really, really powerful and I'd love to go kind of.

Speaker 1: 30:49

I know you said there's not really any tools, but do you recommend people to journal? Do you recommend people just to talk out loud? Because I know coaches and I know things like that are really powerful and definitely something that I recommend people investing in if they can and they feel like they need that support because it can be a difficult process. But, like you, you were in a position at the start where you didn't have loads of funds, you didn't know what to do, so you just took that little seven pounds. What can people do by themselves? That is going to be beneficial, even trying things out. I know, as you say, it's not cookie cutter, one size fits all, but what do you find works well?

Speaker 2: 31:28

So I think one of the things that you need to start really dipping your toe into is self-love, because it's really easy to sabotage your way out of this very, very hard work if you don't have that self-love in place. Now, in my situation, I had to do that work because in a situation wise I was in a very bad one, where I didn't have a job and everything just came out. It just had exploded on you, it did explode on me. So I was kind of put in that situation really quickly and really, and I had like no way out and I had to tell myself you're either gonna sink or swim. What is it gonna be now? Like there is no in between, there's no like this victim mode anymore, or you can go and be in that. But I really had to put myself in front of a dilemma and be like what's it gonna be now? Because what was is not working for you, obviously.

Speaker 2: 32:42

So when I started doing and taking like radical responsibility, first of all, our subconscious mind wants all the time to be safe. What is safe is what we know. If we have been in victim mode all the time, it wants to stay there. So what you'll start seeing is like you're gonna try and do the work and you'll get your journal out and you'll buy your journal and a really nice pen and everything, and two weeks have passed and you haven't done anything. That is also normal, because our subconscious mind wants to keep sabotage in the work. You have to be strict with yourself, but you have to have that self love as well.

Speaker 2: 33:24

Now it's hard sometimes to start taking that responsibility if inside of you you haven't, in a child whose feelings haven't been validated. So that's why, when I talked about looking at the first, like up to eight, nine years of your life, it's really good to start journaling on that journal, on that child. What patterns are now in your current world that are coming out as well? And infuse that all with self love, because if we don't have that self love, we can very easily talk ourselves out of it. And you have to have that radical responsibility but also radical self love.

Speaker 2: 34:06

And that is to start working with the aspects of your subconscious mind, like your inner child, like your shadows, but start also seeing yourself as worthy of that big change that you're going to take in life, because not everyone is who is listening, has had shit hit the fan and, looking back, I was really lucky that that happened, because I'm one of those people that would win 10 medals when it comes to self sabotage and I didn't have a choice. So when we don't have a choice, it's really easy to talk yourself out of it. So journaling is really good. We might have different representation systems. So I like journaling, but I actually like talking to my iPhone more. The voice recorder there, I like talking to it more. For example, at the moment in our, like, spiritual circles, it's all about journaling kind of stuff, but I actually like talking much, much more.

Speaker 1: 35:08

Yeah, I find journaling quite. I do love it, journaling, but I get bored because I write really messily and I then end up getting more distracted about the writing than what I want to put down, whereas talking seems so much easier, doesn't it? Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 35:22

And there are cause. We have different representation systems as people all together, and I just saw people saying journaling, journaling, journaling and I am doing my journaling work at the moment as well but see what works for you and I know that this is like very fluffy talk, like see what works for you, kind of thing, and have a kind of look. But one thing to take away from it is choosing. Make a choice. If you're going to a shop, you make a choice that you're gonna go to a shop. If you're going to do your healing, it also has to start with a choice. We just think that we're gonna go through life and we're just gonna stumble into some healing or like a yoga retreat and everything will go fine from then.

Speaker 2: 36:09

That's not the case. Everything starts with a decision. Why would healing be any different? So one of the things to start with is deciding looking back at your childhood, what you're carrying on from there, and choosing every day to take not 99.999% responsibility, because that's the 0.0001 that we are actually giving away, that power that we are giving away. So everything like I'm even talking about traffic jams here right, Like everything, and people's ego can start to be really triggered. Like what do you mean traffic jams are not my fault, kind of thing? But at the end of the day, it doesn't even really matter if, obviously, what happened on the traffic isn't your fault, but the second that we do acknowledge that it's not my fault. We're giving our power away, and what I've learned is, the more we argue for our limitations, we get to keep them, and after that all we do have is our excuses. And then what?

Speaker 1: 37:22

Yeah, and there's a few things from that. So I'd say, first of all, like the reason to look at choosing what option works for you is because if it means you're gonna do some kind of healing, even if it's 1% more than you did yesterday, it's still better than nothing. So that's why it's so important to find what works for you in that moment and that might change. Like what I used to enjoy I don't enjoy so much now, and that changes with your evolution and your journey. But, as I said, it's much better once you've made that decision to do 1% every day more than you were yesterday, and the compound of that is gonna get you closer than it is. If you just decide, well, I can't write because I just find that so boring, so I'm not gonna do anything at all.

Speaker 1: 38:05

And I think that's when I started taking that mindset of just 1% more each day, of being that better version of myself. Then that was when shifts truly happened, because it was a lot easier to be like okay, I can do 1% more, I can do that. That's not like miles away from where I am right now, and especially if you are the furthest away from how you want to be feeling, trying to go 100% and change your whole life in one moment is gonna feel so overwhelming. You're probably gonna go into paralysis because your nervous system is literally in fight or flight mode and it's like not feeling safe at all. Like you mentioned, it's not feeling safe, whereas if you can just get on board with doing that tiny bit, your nervous system can cope with that and you can feel safe enough to be like okay, just doing this one little bit today is gonna like open up that little door and then the next door and the next door. And I think that is what's something so important, because I think people think that you just need to heal it all in one big go and then they just put it off completely, whereas, as you've shown with your journey, it's a constant evolution over time and choosing again and again and again.

Speaker 1: 39:15

But what I'd love to know more about because you mentioned about this self-love I personally believe it is one of the most important things that we can do, because the things that block us come from not feeling worthy enough, not feeling love, not feeling good enough, and so being able to have that self-love is important, but it is so hard, especially when you are in a position of you hate yourself. You don't like your choices, you don't like who you are, you don't like your behaviors, you don't like your attitude. Whether you admit these out loud or not, that's how you're feeling inside. So how do you start incorporating self-love when you're in that space? Because it's not easy. Like what did you do?

Speaker 2: 39:57

So that's a really good question. When I did that module on radical responsibility, on the formula of success may I just mention that I don't have my certifications from a seven pound course anymore I decided after to invest thousands and thousands, just to say that. But I also, that day that I took the module of radical responsibility, the module of success, I also decided that I'm going to love myself. I decided it was a decision. A lot of people think that love is like you see someone and then you know you feel it, or self love has to be that you're walking like past a mirror and go oh, actually, you don't know it is. It starts with a decision. Because if it doesn't start with a decision, then what you know? We don't stumble into it. We don't just accidentally think, oh, I actually love myself. No, it takes work. It takes work. It takes works Loving yourself, even on the days. Yes, it's really easy to love yourself when you look nice and when you've accomplished all the things on your to-do list.

Speaker 1: 41:17

But what about the external validation right? You're loving yourself from external validation rather than just because.

Speaker 2: 41:24

Yes, and it's also what I call conditional self love, like when I've ticked everything on my to-do list. What about the days when all you want to do is take a blanket and just so in your bed for four hours? What about then? What about that self love? It has to start with a decision and for me it kind of immersed, together with my clients, what we do is we actually start with self love.

Speaker 2: 41:55

We start with the inner child journey, the shadows, and when we've kind of wrapped it all up, when they kind of understand it better. That's when we then move to that radical responsibility and we kind of turn the tables 180 degrees, almost, in a way that first it's very much healing and then it's empowerment kind of on top of it. So I do suggest to start with self love or do it together, like I did. But when we don't have self love and we start taking radical responsibility, we might start beating ourselves up instead and we're like, oh, we can't do it. But it's really important to have that self love when we are going through that journey. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 42:43

And I think one thing that I would like to add to that, because I think self love can seem very daunting to people who just have never given themselves permission to love themselves, whether that be when they're at their best day or their worst day.

Speaker 1: 42:59

But as humans, we are humans and for that reason we are worthy enough. Just because because we exist, that's all that matters. But that can be quite a hard concept to graphs when you don't kind of have that. And the piece that I like to chuck into there for me that's worked really well when I have been critical of myself or when I haven't done things quite like I'd like to is having that compassion piece and bringing in compassion for myself, because sometimes that's easier than self love. And what I mean by that is OK, you know what? I didn't behave the best today or I did something that I feel shitty about today, either against myself or against some other or against somebody else. But actually I'm human and we make mistakes, and that's OK. And having that compassion to be like, yeah, I did that, but I can learn from that, I can heal from that, I can choose differently in the next moment, and having that bit of compassion then makes it so much easier to then bring in that self love piece, because then you can be like OK, well, because I'm human and because I allow myself to not be perfect all the time, as nobody is I can still love myself in those moments when actually I'm not my best or I don't feel my best, and then it removes that, as you say, conditional self love of oh, I can only love myself when I'm 100 per cent perfect every single day, every single moment, with washed hair and a perfect smile and a positive attitude. Like absolutely not.

Speaker 1: 44:27

And I think that for me was a huge game changer of bringing in that compassion piece. And I just thought I'd share that for people who might be like, yeah, but I just can't. But I 1000 per cent agree with what you say, with it's just a choice. How do we get self love otherwise? Like we have to decide because, as you say, it's where does it exist? Everything exists with a decision. Like we can't go to a bucket over there and like go and search for it and pick it out and buy it and put it on. Like we just have to decide, the same way we decide everything in our life.

Speaker 1: 45:02

And that's where I think it's a struggle for people, because people are constantly deciding to not love themselves and constantly deciding to put themselves down. And once you realise, hold on a minute, I'm choosing to do that, whether you realise it or not Then that means you can also, in that moment, make the flip choice of that, which is exactly what you said is I'm just choosing to love myself, even when I'm not perfect. But it is a journey and it is hard, and so I'd love just to kind of now wrap all of this up in terms of people who are listening to this thinking you know, this has been really helpful Like I want to go away and I want to start taking responsibility for my actions. I want to start loving myself. What would you say to them and what tips would you have in this moment, or is there anything you think that we haven't covered, that you think is really important?

Speaker 2: 45:48

I think, like what you said about that compassion piece is really really, really important. Sometimes, when we are really in a low mood, or even just like myself, like if you would have told me like three years ago you need to be more compassionate towards yourself, I would have been like are you on drugs? Like no, it's really easy not to have that compassion towards yourself. If no one ever did.

Speaker 1: 46:15

Yeah, so I think you deserve it right. Is that what you mean? Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2: 46:19

So this is where inner child work comes in. If you are listening to this and you're like, oh, how do I start inner child work there's a lot of meditations on YouTube, there are books, like everything else is to start seeing that part of yourself. Because I can see in my clients. When I ask about the compassion that they have for the inner child, they can talk for days and then I say you know, you understand that this is you. And they go, oh, yeah, older me, yeah, like it. Literally it's blocking that compassion.

Speaker 2: 46:55

When we had a parents that never showed compassion. It's not so easy, but it is a very big puzzle piece and, like you said, it does have to come almost before self love. I kind of use them almost interchangeably. But one of the things that I really want to want to stress is that if you're listening to this podcast and you're like, yes, I'm ready, like I want to do this and this is like what I need to do, and you buy your journal and it's really shiny, and you buy a pen that's really fancy, and you start journaling and then about two, three weeks, a month time, you realise that you haven't done anything because you've found all the excuses under the sun to do it is because our subconscious mind actually doesn't want us to change, and that is not because it wants a miserable life for you. It doesn't distinguish between being happy and sad. It just knows what is safe and what is not safe. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 47:56

What's the same equilibrium in that moment. It doesn't like anything to change from that point.

Speaker 2: 48:02

Yes, exactly so. How I tripped up for seven years before that evening on the couch was that I tried to heal myself like it wasn't. Like you know, I really tried to go at these books and everything else, but I didn't know that. So I thought, oh, you know, do you know what? That's just a life for me. Like, I haven't picked up the journal and the pen and I hadn't, I haven't read this book. So that just means that that's not for me. Like, I'm just meant, like, subconsciously, I just thought that I was meant to live that life and, looking back on my journey, I wouldn't have anything differently, like not a second differently.

Speaker 2: 48:44

But what makes me sad is thinking that there was such a big time when I thought that's the life for me and I know and I see it everywhere around me people just thinking about that's just me, that's just who I am, that's just.

Speaker 2: 48:58

You know why it's not too bad. I'm just kind of like, you know, survive through life. So if you're feeling motivated because it's really easy to get momentum, kind of the momentum of a podcast, of a Tony Robbins you know speech, and just go like, yeah, I'm gonna do it, and then, before you know, momentum is gone and we talked about choosing Choosing that compassion, choosing that healing. Sometimes you have to choose 17 times per day, sometimes 18, and it's about choosing it over and over and over and over again all the time and Not trip up and think that's just not for me, because there are people out there that can help you, there are books out there that can help you, there are podcasts out there that can help you. Just look into it more and more before just deciding that all that's just not for me because that's a that's a wrong decision to make and that's not the truth.

Speaker 1: 49:53

Yeah, absolutely. That's so powerful and I think that's the thing people just it's easier. Your ego makes it easier to stay comfortable, even if it is uncomfortable, and that's the crazy thing. I think people can't wrap their head around because they're like, well, why would I don't. Obviously I don't want this and you're right, you don't. But it's just the way that your body and your nervous system and your mind and your beliefs have got To that stage, so it's comfortable and so making that change is so much harder. And I do think, like you say, that choice it is a choice every single day, every single moment, and it's so difficult.

Speaker 1: 50:24

But that's again why I'm such an advocate of and you touched on this of feeding your mind. If you can't give yourself momentum in the beginning, like you say, you have that initial spur and then it dies down, which is totally, totally normal. We all have it. But if you're struggling with that, feed your mind with as much, the things that make you feel motivated, as much as possible, or things that make you feel at least inspired as much as possible, because if you just go back to watching Netflix, doing the things you've always done, then you're not going to feel that motivation. That's going to be sat, like you said, whereas if you, if you know in the morning that you can get something done by like and also I'd say, take that action Immediately, like, even if it's just five minutes of journaling after getting off this podcast, use that momentum in the moment, like, and then do it that way, and sometimes I find I'm not motivated all the time. I've started to create, like, a collection of tools that I know if I tap into this, it at least gives me a bit of motivation in that moment when it's not there, or a bit of discipline in that moment, whether that be listening to a good song that gets me in the mood, or listening to a podcast or, like you say, read a bit, or sometimes just going out in fresh air just to give myself some space. So you have to like, learn how to cultivate it almost don't you, and it's difficult.

Speaker 1: 51:45

But as we said at the beginning, choose your heart right. Which one do you want? But I do think what you said was so powerful about it's not the truth that that's the life for you. We are all meant to have and live as expansively as we choose to. It's just that we always Sometimes think that this is our. That's it, and I think, yeah, if there's anything anybody can take away from this podcast, it's that in every moment, you can decide to choose differently, and it doesn't mean that it's going to be easy, but you deserve and are worthy of the life that you want to live, not the one that you're currently sat in.

Speaker 1: 52:19

If you feel like you're stuck and I would just finally, really quickly, because it came to me when you were talking it kind of is going a little bit back on some of the stuff we've discussed, but it just popped my mind now. You mentioned about going back and looking at the one to eight years kind of period. I do have a question around this, because I've struggled with this in the past. What if you can't remember anything in that period? What if you're like your mind just doesn't know what? What's there? What should people do on that? Because I think that's something that I personally struggled with and I know if you were, the people have like I don't know what happened.

Speaker 2: 52:52

So this is a really good question and a lot of people. When we look at triggers that my clients are having, for example, then what I asked them is when was the first time that you felt this way? And it's about trusting your subconscious mind, and trusting that can take time. Some of my clients are like I was three like that off the bat. Some of my clients that were well, I was in my mother's womb the first time. I was angry, you know. They just it's about trusting that subconscious mind and asking yourself Over and over again when was the first time that you felt this way?

Speaker 2: 53:28

Obviously, hypnosis is a really good tool to use as well, for example, to remember memories. I think I don't use hypnosis in that way to remember. I use hypnosis to rewire that part. But if you really can't remember, it's not the end of the world, it's not like you can't have another, it's not like, oh, here's where our healing journey ends. Now, all right, it actually doesn't matter. It's just helps a little bit to have a look back and see, okay, like that's not the truth, because actually that was, you know, my uncle that said that and that was actually how my mom behaved. So it helps that part. But you can still Rewire your mind and you can still see them as not True, even when you don't remember Quite exactly what happened there. But the subconscious mind always remembers.

Speaker 2: 54:21

So it's about working with that subconscious mind, doing some journaling exercises with your inner child, for example. So there's this exercise I tell my clients to do, where they literally have a dialogue with their inner child. It goes little me, big me, little me, and they just write, and they just write and they just write and things come out. They they don't even remember, but because they're in that Flow, that state, that unconscious is just putting it on paper, they go, they send me voicemail, they're like, oh my god, I don't remember that that happened. But then I asked my mom and that's what happened actually. So journaling in that way can be good as well, and that's how I have used it, how my clients use it. So if it comes to like the inner child, it's about asking them if it's really hard to remember. But even if you really struggle, it doesn't mean that your journey is gonna take more time or Harder in some way, definitely not.

Speaker 1: 55:22

Yeah, that's really useful. Thank you for that, because I just was thinking about it and I know that it's been a sticking point for a lot of people and then they're like, hmm Well, I can't remember, so I don't know what to do, I'm just gonna not bother, type thing. But, as you say, it is very much about okay well, choosing to choose differently and Looking at your beliefs and how they're not serving you now, even if you can't remember where they stemmed from. So I think we've covered quite a lot in this episode that people can go away with is just before I ask my final question that I ask all my guests Is there anything final that you'd like to add, or are you happy that we've covered quite a lot today?

Speaker 2: 55:56

Yes, we have. We've really put the two pieces together that one needs to have or Needs to work towards when they find themselves in victim mode, in low self-esteem, in people pleasing to really become their own best healers or Seek the help so they could be Taught how to be their own best healers as well. So these two puzzle pieces are really, really vital. I don't think there's anything else that Sticks out to me.

Speaker 2: 56:30

When we really start our journey, obviously afterwards there are all kinds of things that we can do, but once you have that Responsibility and you can look besides the screams of your ego that go no, but it wasn't my responsibility, kind of thing, and you can still Like what I always say is what happened to you was not your fault, but healing into your responsibility and to put these two together, you really do have pieces to start your journey With that radical responsibility and with that compassion towards yourself and with that love towards yourself. Do be mindful of the self sabotage because, like I said, that tricked me up for seven years I had all the books and the pens and the notepads and it can be really, you know, potent in the momentum, but that radical responsibility is what's going to bring you back there over and over and over again. So that's why it's really really needed this one.

Speaker 1: 57:33

Yeah, amazing. And so, just to end, then, the one question that I ask all my guests is what is the one piece of information and or thing that you have learned that has transformed and Changed your life the most? Now, for people often this question is nothing related to the episode, and that's amazing. They offer really good insights, but if yours is, then that is also fine.

Speaker 2: 58:02

Thank you. So obviously this all episode really answered that question a lot. However, one of the main things that I wish I knew when I started my healing journey so much of our actions, emotions, feelings, triggers, identity, self-worth, self-esteem comes from the subconscious mind. A Lot of the times it doesn't make sense to us why we are triggered with this word or why we don't like this or why we like something else, so why we behave that the way that we do. And I think it's one of the biggest Things how we fail children at the moment in schools that we don't talk about this.

Speaker 2: 58:50

95% of our mind. We are told to think consciously. We are told to all the time just use that 5%. But how I went through life was one foot on gas and one foot on break because my subconscious mind was telling me something very, very different, and it wasn't until I started working with that programming. All the programming has come from our childhood but obviously later in life as well, but majority of it from our childhood. It was when I started looking back that I started understanding my mind and I started understanding myself. So take a journey back, if you can remember, do journal and Start bringing your subconscious Into your consciousness.

Speaker 1: 59:46

Yeah, that's amazing and such a great way to end the episode, and so, from what we've covered, I know people probably would love to be able to tap into your energy, if they would potentially want to work with you and just connect with you. What's the best way for people to find you if they would like to? So?

Speaker 2: 1:00:06

I'm mainly. I'm mainly on Instagram and it's at the dot spiritual, dot hustler, and people can DM me, people can. I put a lot of Reels and posts up. One of my main things is to provide free value as much as I can. That's probably the best way to be in my energy.

Speaker 1: 1:00:31

Amazing. Thank you, I'll make sure, as you said, I'll put them all in the show notes so people can click it and Let us know if you have any takeaways. We love to see it, we love to hear it and thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1: 1:00:54

It's the end of another episode. I hope you've loved it and took something valuable away today. I would really appreciate you sharing these episodes with friends and family and, even better, leaving an Apple podcast review. This really helps me reach a new and bigger audience, which is my goal with this podcast. To ensure you don't miss any episodes, make sure you hit the subscribe button now and connect with me on Instagram at Hannah Kate Garner, and come and say hi, I really do love connecting with you all. Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to joining me again next week. You.